The pickled landlord of the William Wallace pub pours out an unsteadily large whisky and hands it over to me. I raise it in a toast to the similarly lined, scrotum-faced, regulars in this old dark pub, underneath the large, murderous-looking, crossed claymore swords hanging on the wall and an advert for Tuesday night’s pub quiz.
A dim burble of resentful acknowledgment come back from the old crowd sat at the bar.
I turn and talk to an old man on his stool next to me: a long red wedge of a nose, white cotton-wool hair under his cap, ancient black dog cross-pawed at his feet.
“Stirling’s Old Town seems very nice” I say.
“So I guess it’s a nice place to live?”
“Oh. But you come from here?”
Slowing rising up, offended “Naw lad,” tapping at his chest “I’m from Fife!”
“Oh. And is that nice?”
The man thinks for a moment before returning back to his pint. “Naw.”
With a flight booked to take us away to a new life in Greece in just three days’ time and with us still perched 420 miles north of Heathrow, we have decided that our night here in Stirling will really have to be our very last on this long protracted final stroll round Britain. Tomorrow we will head back to Glasgow, return the van, and then take the usual quick, unseeing, route back home by plane.
We parked up on Abbey Craig hilltop, having found nowhere else to go but the deserted car park at the bottom of the William Wallace Monument, above Stirling town.
There are no shops open for us to buy anything for our last supper in the camper van but, as always, we are pleased for the prodigious range of crisps that Britain has. It could be the country’s greatest strength.
The powerhouses coming out of Leicestershire of Walkers and Golden Wonder of Market Harborough and KP of Ashby de la Zouch. Greece just don’t get close to the spread and scope, with their aseptic over-large dull packets sat on the supermarkets shelves. Plain or Oregano or a tube of Pringles. That’s your choice.
There are none of the light and airy cheese Quavers; or the plasticky, spindly, forlorn-looking French Fries; the rough and ready stout packs of Frazzles; the packets of Wotsits ready to give the eater nuclear-fallout orange fingers; the bowls of Hula Hoops crushed under foot into the carpet at a kid’s party; the cheap dusty packet of Space Invaders languishing in boxes in dark corner shops; the loud and over-bold pickled onion Monster Munch; Prawn Cocktail; Worcester Sauce; Flamin’ Hot…
Our closing night is spent munching under municipal council trees – the branches like tips of paintbrushes touching the sky an indigo blue – as we’re watched down on by the formidable glare of William Wallace.
This was where Wallace stood and watched the English armies gather on Stirling Bridge before his victory over my countrymen, so it seems as appropriate a way to be sent off from Scotland as any.
We’ll miss out on Edinburgh entirely – the Athens of the North, of course – but then Edinburgh is one of those few places in Britain that Giristroula has visited, as have I, and pretty much everyone else who’s come to Scotland too, so a city too well known to admit description anyway as Dr Johnson also thought in his book on this country.
12 of our 28 days touring Britain have been spent rounding Scotland. The scenery and the mood of the country has been something completely new and unique for both of us.
Winston Churchill once said, so I read somewhere, that “Of all the small nations of this earth, perhaps only the ancient Greeks surpass the Scots in their contribution to mankind.”
Here in Stirling we saw for ourselves the toppling castle – the city’s great acropolis – high up on the crag right in the very centre of town. We also saw the rattling cars passing the decaying, draughty Thistle Centre shopping hall. The centre full of ‘Neds’ in grey trackie bottoms. One holding up the green and yellow Scottish emblem of a bottle of Buckfast wine. He shouted out at his mate as we passed “Eh ya scabby bassa!” and aimed a kick at him. Missing and sending his trainer high in the grey sky.
As often on this journey it felt a little difficult to tell exactly if we’d found ourselves amongst the Spartans or the Athenians here.
Our last morning dawns with the car park – previously silent, alone, dark and deserted of anyone but us and Wallace – suddenly full of early morning coach-loads. A group of curious Chinese tourists stand outside, trying to peer through the curtains into our van, as if we’re some sort of exhibit put on by the Scottish Council of Arts.
A final glower from Braveheart up on his plinth and that’s it. The end of Scotland. The end of Britain.
We’ll have to return of course.
We still have the whole of the east side of England to explore. Before we even board the Aegean Airlines plane, we’re making plans to return, to pick up the trail again somewhere in the North East, to journey down the back of England. The impetus to really embrace the new life in Greece remanded until we fully complete this old one in England.
But what did we learn anyway on this trip my Greek travelling companion was so adamant we took before we left, and that I’ve written down here like some Doomsday Book of memories?
Did I discover things I never knew about my home country? Can Giristroula attest when she goes home that Britain really is full of those garden-tending, door-bolting, tea-drinking, law-abiding, please-and-thank-youing, suspicion-riddled, smiling and not saying what you mean, stiff and constipated people? The “cold bummers” as she tells me the British are known in Greece?
Well, this tour only allowed glimpses really. But then, I guess glimpses are all you get in life.
Scotland certainly had its shadows. The meadows and lanes were there in Devon. We saw the carved choirs in the Anglican cathedral in Liverpool. Swansea has its impressive Guildhall, and also its split-level shopping and concrete and tyres.
Looking back, I see every stop seemed to centre round a pub. I’m not sure why. I guess pubs and the people inside pubs can still be some sort of a bellwether for how the country is, a microcosm of how we live as a nation? Or perhaps we were just thirsty.
While I struggled to find specific reference points to my own personal identity around Britain – identity, like the Electric Brae, perhaps just a perspective trick anyway – I did feel strangely proud of the country at points all along the journey.
I felt depressed at times too. Sometime a little embarrassed at some of my fellow countrymen, dismayed at some of the dirty corners of the cities (but rarely of the countryside). But I also felt a satisfaction at seeing, and showing off, where I come from.
But why? Is maybe that the British trait I was looking for? Is it only the British who would do this? Do the Greeks when travelling round their country get emotional and feel a pride and a nostalgia and a sense of connection to something that really is quite intangible? Well, I guess I shall find out.
Giristroula tells me that the British know what they’ve got, that nothing in the country is left unexploited.
“It isn’t always a bad thing,” she says. “You don’t let your country go to waste at least, unlike Greece. But, God, sometimes though… sometimes with your tickets and your charges and your sightseeing queues and your old people gathered round staring confused at ticket machines in car parks… you really vgazete apo tin myga xigi as we say – you can make meat out of a fly. Imagine if we did it with every ancient stone we have back home…”
At the airport we watch an old man struggling to raise himself up from his seat, heaving himself up onto his stick with a groan, wafting away help from a camp airport staff member in his purple uniform who minces over with his lanyard dancing round his neck.
“Mustn’t grumble.” That old catchphrase.
“I’ve seen men in the cafes back home,” Giristroula says “I’ve seen them kick over their chair and shout to the heavens how ‘No one understands this pain I’m in. No one!’ But here it’s all ‘Oh well, could be worse…'” She smiles to herself.
She says she’s very sad to be leaving. Far more than she would have believed before we started this long tour.
“It’s a very beautiful country too,” she says to as we sit on the plane back to London, gazing out at the top of grey-streaked clouds.
She sniffs as she turns back from the window. “When it’s sunny…”
I personally wouldn’t have regretted this journey if it had afforded nothing more than just that one final glimpse of Britain before we left. But to know that there’s a country here that I could easily love, if only I could just quite work it out, has me happy as our Greece-bound plane pulls away into the sky.
I hope it’s always there.