The smell of frying bacon wakes me. I peer out of the tartan van to see Glen Nevis camping site a morning hive of activity.
Kenneth Williams is doing his exercises in the next camping bay. Sid James heads towards to the shower blocks in his dressing gown with a bar of soap and a towel over his shoulder. It’s a very ordered, community life, set among the vast Scottish wilds.
Neighbouring campers greet each other as they walk along the grids of neatly verged small roads, as if off to work for the day with a newspaper under their arm. I prefer the wild camping of leaving our van wherever we come to a halt for the night, but a steaming shower directly under the mountain is a welcomed relief.
We eventually leave the camp site and set off northwards again, calling in first to the petrol station on the outskirts of Fort William.
While I go in search of Irn Bru, Giristroula is left to fill the tank.
As I come back round the side of the van, something is clearly not right.
“Something’s not right!” Giristroula calls out as she fires a blast from the petrol pump into the tank and the petrol comes straight out again in a great fountain arc.
“Well don’t do it again!” I shout as she has another go, sending the petrol spitting back out once more.
I take over. And, at a loss as to what to do, press the pump once again. With the same disastrous result of a geyser of spraying petrol jetting out from the opening.
What can be happening?
Then we notice. We’re putting petrol into the water tank.
With a sick feeling in our stomachs, we gingerly sniff the opening we’ve been shoving the nozzle in – down the side of the van from the, now quite obvious, petrol cap. It’s where the camper van’s water supply goes in and is stored. And it now reeks of petrol. We turn white. What have we done?
There’s only one thing for it. We’ll have to get the water tanks drained.
We find an old corrugated-iron garage on a hill above the town. The owner raises his eyes from under the bonnet of a car as we pull into his forecourt.
“We’ve done the silliest thing…” I tell him as he walks over, wiping his filthy hands on an even filthier rag. His dour silence makes me nervous and makes me talk far too fast.
“I don’t suppose you’ve ever seen anyone put petrol in the water tank before have you? Have you ever seen anything like that? I don’t suppose you have, have you? Or maybe you have seen something like that?”
“Aye,” he replies, slowly. Turning away to look at the van. “Once or twice. There are some fools out there, it’s true enough…”
He brings us out a small electric dredging machine and some plastic piping and hands it to me.
“Oh. You have everything we need…” I say.
“Aye. I saw the two of yous coming into town yesterday. I thought to myself, they look like a pair who’ll be filling their water tanks up with petrol…”
I can’t tell if he’s joking or not.
His face makes no register of any emotion whatsoever. I laugh quickly, a little too loudly, and then just as suddenly stop.
It’s clear he’s not going to help us either.
Giristroula and I spend almost the whole day, dredging the tank, filling it with water, pouring the petrol out onto the garage forecourt where it mixes with the light rain that’s falling and runs in greasy rainbow streaks out past the old tyres and hulks of broken cars.
The garage owner sits watching us with a miserable look on his face – and it never too difficult really to distinguish between a dolorous Scotsman and a ray of sunshine.
He sits on an oil drum, smoking his roll ups with the petrol running under his boots. Occasionally he shakes his head at our work and walks off to inspect the rest of his garage.
Eventually the owner leaves and his apprentice lends us a final helping hand.
At the end, feeling at least relieved that we’d got rid of most of the petrol residue we thank the assistant for his help. A small, stocky, indestructible Scottish lady customer comes into the garage carrying an enormous exhaust pipe.
“Well, you see, we’re friendly here,” she says. “That’s why he helped you. Aye, we’re friendly on the west coast alright. And the further north up the west coast you go, you see, the friendlier we are.
Not like them on the east coast…” she adds, pulling a fastidious face.
After the back-breaking work we set off, at least 4 hours behind schedule. We pass the owner coming up the hill and wind down the window to give him our thanks again.
“Thank you so much,” I say, still trying to curry favour with this relentlessly saturine man. “I really can confirm, West Coast folk really are the most helpful..!”
“Aye,” he replies “And careful wi’ our money. That’ll be £40”.
He stands by our van in the rain with his hand out.
“Water doesn’t come for free you know…”
I unenthusiastically hand him the money. And watch as the Highland rain runs down his face, dripping off his nose.
We’re back on the A82, passing through everything we looked down on from Ben Nevis.
Deep countryside and many different lochs. I try to keep track of everything we pass but there is so much environmental confectionery on offer, it’s hard. I even think perhaps the Scots gave up with their naming efforts when I see that, having earlier passed a Loch Long, we are now passing a Loch Lochy.
We finally leave Scotland’s version of Route 66, having passed the huge Glengary view down onto the Caledonian Canal, and we swing onto the road heading west towards Skye.
The pine trees I felt were missing before are all around us now. And the weather – grey with a slating rain, and even a mist rising up off the fields – seems entirely appropriate for this scenery.
Out of the mist appears Eilean Donan Castle and quite the most evocatively perfect Scottish image. Set on a loch, stone bridge, turrets, flowers, mountain backdrop. Too perfect to be true. I have to turn away.
And then we’re over the modern Skye Bridge onto our first Scottish island.
It’s disappointing to be landing on Skye in such a prosaic way, when a ferry has been running this stretch of water since the 17th Century, but time is getting on and we need to settle on somewhere on the Isle to stop for the evening.
We keep heading through Skye, un-researched and so unable to decide where to stay.
We park up in the pretty harbour town of Portree for dinner, but later have to move the camper out of the town for a more suitable place to sleep.
Again, we keep on travelling, through the dark. “Is this the best place to stop?” “Is this?” Eventually, now in the pitch black, we just throw the van to the side of the road.
We sit with the engine off, miles it seems from civilisation. The wind rocking us and making howling noises like dismembered voices all around the van.
“What’s the sign?” says Giristroula peering out of the front window into the black night.
“Does it say no parking? Go and see.”
She ushers me out and with a start I see the sign isn’t a sign at all but a ghoulish cross. It sits by the side of the road under mysterious jagged dark lines I can see hanging high above us. Like ogre’s teeth set on the black sky.
I hurry back to the van and tuck myself in for a night of bad dreams under a tartan blanket.