“Scotland looks better than England.”
Passepartout has called it early. But she seems definite in her passed judgement, as we drive past the stone cottages and small churches.
A scene stretched out in front of us of fields full of short-shadowed, contemplating cows, all half hidden by a Shy Di fringe of demurely dipping blossomed boughs. I can see what’s brought her to this evaluation.
But she gives further explanation anyway.
“In England the fields and the hills are all over there,” she wafts a hand airily “In Scotland, they’re…HERE” her splayed hand pushed right in her face for maximum emphasis, as she drives us along the A75 towards Castle Douglas.
A stop for tea and the town of Castle Douglas seems to be wholly empty. A Mary Celeste of a town. The shops turning the closed sign on the door for the evening back in 1981 and just simply forgetting to open up again.
It’s clean and well-ordered. An authentically old-fashioned town with every shop you could need for a community. Just no community seems to be here. Hardly a soul.
There are many restaurants down King Street that would have been upscale once upon a time. There appears to be three identical white painted, rather dated pub/hotels along the road that looks like they must still keep to the old half-day opening hours of shutting at 2 and not opening again till 6.
I like the place. I like the place more, as there are no people to spoil it.
Tea drunk, empty high street walked, we drive on towards the Ayrshire coast and Castle Culzean.
Built in the 1770s, it looks less like a traditional castle and more grand – very grand – country house. The top floor was given to General Eisenhower as a thanks for his great exploits liberating Europe.
The place is of interest to me though as I was told my great-grandfather worked here sometime early in the last century, and lived in one of the workers cottages on the Castle’s estate.
My family never having being involved in any exploits, great or small, were not given a floor of the castle, but I’m interested to see the cottage and a bit of my family history here in Scotland, as we roll down a winding, shaded road to the Castle’s entry huts.
It’s £16 to get in. Each.
I’m really not sure I’m interested in my family history that much. Culzean Castle’s image is on the back of the Bank of Scotland five pound note anyway. We could just stare at one of those each and save ourselves 22 quid.
Having argued with the male and female ginger tag-team of complete charmless inflexibility in the entry booth (“But I have family roots here!” I catch myself saying with an awful, vague attempt at a Scottish accent, quickly abandoned halfway through the sentence as a bad idea) we park the car under some trees back at the top, on the main road, and walk back down.
We sneak behind the hut as the duo are busy reluctantly raising the barrier for someone who has obviously handed over the required suitcase full of cash to get in.
Feeling smug, Passepartout and I saunter down the long mazy drive to the castle and the sea. But the road is longer than we thought.
Thinking back to our Dorset days, I start to try and thumb a lift. Understandably, none of the recently mugged motorists seem to want to pick us up – two slippery hoodwinkers. At last a van pulls over and we get in.
Pulling up outside the castle down the road, we seem to have driven a lot closer than any of the the other visitors.
“So have yer been to all the National Trust places then?” says our Samaritan driver.
Before I can stop myself, I boast “Oh no, we’re not National Trust members, we just sneaked over the fence and…”
It’s now, as his face tightens while his mouth falls, I spot his emblazoned polo shirt ‘Head of Culzean Estates’.
He goes to speak, letting go with a high-pitched, strangulated noise. But it’s too late, we’re clambering out of the van, waving thanks and disappearing into the crowd.
Culzean, sadly, is not really worth it.
It’s very nice: the view from the ramparts out to sea and the Isle of Arran is pleasant. The castle sits there happily scarfed in its blanket of sun. But like anything on the coast, including the coast itself, it would look better if you were on a boat looking back at it a mile out to sea.
The castle is hugely popular with polite, well-mannered families looking for things to do. It’s a pleasantly dull afternoon. My great grandfather’s cottage has been turned into a visitor centre.
We leave the tracts of beautifully tendered gardens and swan ponds and deer parks and have a long climb back up just to sneak back out past the entry huts once more.
Like two bungling thieves who’ve tunnelled too short for the bank, come up in the police station next door, and sheepishly have to tunnel out again.
Once out, we run up the west coast on the small A719 and come across the mysterious phenomenon of the Electric Brae – a stone marker in the layby letting us know we’re here.
It’s a notorious bit of road on the hillside where, although it looks like it’s heading downhill, you’re actually heading upwards.
You drive along thinking you’re going down, start to freewheel and come to a stop, turn the car round and go in the other direction, and you can coast up what seems to be a hill, feet off the pedals.
At least this is the idea.
We try it a few times but can’t work out which bit of the road is meant to be down and which bit up. The optical illusion not working for us, and we lose patience.
There is a Citroen though that we saw from a long distance back as we drove up here, and which still now going back and forth on the road. As we pass, a whole French family get out: determined father, bored children, angry wife and comatose grandmother.
“It is just not apparent!” he calls desperately to us as we drive by.
We have an appointment to keep and are heading back towards Glasgow.
We pull up at a family-run camper van hire company on the outskirts of the city and are delighted to swap the aseptic humdrum hatchback we’ve been travelling around southern Scotland in for an old VW van.
Painted tartan, thousands and thousands of miles on the clock, bumper held on with black tape and a warning that the old boy won’t be able to get up to much more than 10mph on some of the Highland slopes ahead. Terrific.
Passepartout excels herself just getting the beast started and does well cranking the ancient gears, negotiating the traffic, as we bounce up and down in the cabin of the put-put-put-ing machine.
However, we stare too long at a great sunset breaking over Sauchihall Street and Govan and Hillhead as we drive high along the motorway that, inexplicably, passes straight through Glasgow centre and miss our turn for Loch Lomond.
We finally get to the the vast Loch Lomond and The Trossachs Park in rapidly falling dark, having passed over the River Clyde, looked down the glade of cranes there, and then joined the A82, arrowing through the park, and which we’ll stay on through Scotland till Ben Nevis and beyond.
We need to find somewhere with some urgency to park the van and sort out the cooking and sleeping facilities, still an undiscovered mystery in the back.
Luss Camping Site would appear to be the perfectly place. But it seems they don’t want anything to do with us.
“Are you members?”
“No. Can we join? We can pay”
The diminutive man with the fury duster mullet hair thinks desperately of a reason to say no.
“Aye. You can…” he lingers. Then suddenly “But you’ll have to be members for 24 hours before you can come in!” he smiles, rocking back on his heels, relieved at his brainwave.
He must have felt for an awful moment there that he would have to let us in to his campsite. But we leave, muttering darkly to ourselves, and the three caravans in his huge site are left untroubled.
We’re left with nothing to do but to park the camper on a small slip road.
It’s hard to make out exactly where we are but in the strange Scottish twilight that seems to last longer than anywhere else – like a match that won’t go out no matter how hard you shake it – and with an odd phosphorescence glow low on the edge of vision, I can see trees darkly swayed next to us and something vaguely shimmering in the inkiness below as we bed down for our first night in the tartan van.